For those of you who hate big-ass posts, this is also up on my DeviantART page right here in fact.

Warning: may potentially bash Lord of the Rings characters. May also potentially cause giggles or chuckles. Read with caution.



First there was nothing
Then there was Sauron, who smote
Everything. Fin.

Everything came
So that it was again more
And people walked the Earth

Twenty rings were made
For three trannies, nine pimps
And seven bears

That left just one ring
The One Ring to rule them all
Lord Sauron giggles

An Alliance forged
In the fires of Mount Doom they
Went, and came back burnt

With Sauron struck down
By the hand of the prince, now
He has become King

Isildur lived short
He died of cancer and an
Orc knife in his throat

His bloated corpse moved
Floating in the putrid wet
Found by hobbits, dead

Rest In Peace, my King
Now dead your ring is taken
Small fingers’ caress

Smeagol was his name
Deagol was his friend, sadly
Emphasis on ‘was’

Corrupted by Ring
Smeagol crept into and lived
In caves underground

Smeagol now no more
It’s Gollum who bears the Ring
It is his preciousssss

But the Ring left him
No longer satisfied with
Grubby fingers’ touch

Surprisingly it
Was found by another one
Hobbit too, dammit

Bilbo B. Baggins
Many bees but none buzzing
Now cursed as well

Years would pass by quick
Bilbo growing old, thanks to Ring
Eleventy-one

When he called its name
The other one, “precious”, then
Gandalf made them part

Bilbo gone the Ring cursed
“Damn Wizard of boring Grey!”
He should wear more white

Whilst White was taken
It didn’t matter for Frodo
Soon came to claim it

I meant Ring, a‘course
Not White, since Hobbits make bad
Wizards; they are Rogues

Ring in his pocket
Frodo left for Rivendell
Backpack on his back

Surprisingly he
Was joined by two cousins and
Fat garden man Sam

Sticks and stones could break
Their bones, but the Nazgul would
Never catch them, right?

On Weathertop they
Did however… Strider came
And saved those whiners

Frodo, Merry, Sam
Pippin and Strider went on
But Frodo was dead…

Not really, I was
Just kidding back there, since Ring
Would never have that

As it would have it
Or would have if it could, then
Frodo would turn wraith

Bugger, imagine
That ever happening now…
Three feet of Nazgul?

Hahahahaha
But seriously though… that
Would have been crazy

That blasted Frodo
He was healed in Rivendell
By whatserface, th’Elf

Ring watched on as folks
Squabbled over its future
It ne’er got a say…

Almost like a kid
It wanted to shout, but couldn’t
Now Ring is emo

Ring was shaken up
By Gimli’s axelash at it
It cherished the pain…

Ring would soon gain friends
As nine guys went forth with it
Maybe one woman

Gandalf the Wizard
The Wizard Who Did It, but
What is “it”? Or who?

The four hobbits too
But they hardly count, so let’s
Forget about them

Legolas, the elf
Princess of the woods, truly
A blonde bimbo? Heh.

Gimli’s beard also
It was a funny thing, and
He took Gimli with

Then Aragorn-dude
And Boromir-guy, those two
Could have been gay pals

Too bad though that Dude—
Aragorn that is—banged elves
All herms, I tell ya

Boromir was sad
That’s why Ring called Saruman
Ending suffering

“It’s okay,” Ring’d say,
“You were never meant to be,
Together; sucks, no?”

Then Boromir’s ghost
Cried deeply (like a boss) and
Moved on to… someplace

They put his body
On a boat and kicked him off
Into waterfalls

Ring snickered softly,
“Too bad for Bo that he’d go
He’s somewhere better.”

The Uruk-hai did
Make sure the Fellowship split
Bad move, normally

Gandalf already
Had fallen to the pit, quite
Literally too

Merry and Pippin
Taken to Isengard to
Be eaten by orcs

Legolas, Beard, Dude,
They left to go hunting orcs
In strip clubs, I bet

Frodo and Sam were
The only ones left with Ring
Damn those hobbits twice

Persistency is
A virtue they say, sometimes
Ring hates that virtue

But even so Ring, the
One Ring that is, itself holds
To it quite strongly

Many hardships were faced
Oppurtunities taken
And missed too, bugger

Faramir came in
Walking onto the stage from
The right side, East Side

Ring pouted at him
This guy was less easy to
Make disappear quick

Faramir looked like
He was from the seventies
But Ring thought him hot

Faramir did though
Reject Ring’s advances which
Only enraged Ring

Thus Ring turned back to
Some old friends, calling Smeagol
Nay, Gollum’s the name

Sadly for Ring though
Frodo made Gollum a friend
Making him Smeagol

Would Smeagol again
Kill a friend of his? Frodo
Was not Deagol though

Almost having got
A shot at a final chance
Ring missed it bad

In the tower of
Cirith Ungol, what a name
Makes thought of sewers

Frodo was captive
But Sam came and messed it up
Ring cried for two days

Within a week, one
Hellish week for Ring, since it
Was so close to dad

It shivered and shook
It trembled and cooked, but geez,
Sauron did not see

Fire rained from Mount Doom
As Frodo and Sam climbed it
Gollum close behind

At the final chance
The Ring let loose it all that
It had and got it…

Frodo was taken!
The child of thirty-three or
Something around there

Cursed finally,
Success! But then Gollum came
And fucked it up; bitch…

Bitten from the hand
Frodo now nine-fingered, he
Pushed Gollum away

Falling Gollum did
But he was happy, for he
Had his precious now~

Ring did not like this
‘Twas surely unforeseen, though
You saw it coming

Sinking in lava
Held raised above Gollum’s head
Sauron now noticed

Idiot Dark Lord
His flaming eye fell down and
Tower exploded

Ring was dead, Sauron
His spirit was destroyed, and
His body too, def’

Peace restored again
Aragorn married and got
A pimpin’ crown too

Legolas and that
Beard of Gimli’s went forth to
Be ne’er seen again

Gandalf the White Guy
Wait, where did he come from now?
Oh well, he left too

Frodo was taken
Along with that Wizard man
Leaving Sam behind

Merry and Pippin
Supposedly had kids, but who
Would believe that bull?

This is the end then
Of the story of Ring and
His nine bitchin’ friends

Wow O___o... You have a LOT of time on your hands.

Actually all this was made in under an hour. P:

Yes, I type fast.

Yes, it's not Tolkien.

Yes, it is pretty great. (I mean, 81 haikus, hosnap.)