For those of you who hate big-ass posts, this is also up on my DeviantART page right here in fact.
Warning: may potentially bash Lord of the Rings characters. May also potentially cause giggles or chuckles. Read with caution.
First there was nothing
Then there was Sauron, who smote
Everything. Fin.
Everything came
So that it was again more
And people walked the Earth
Twenty rings were made
For three trannies, nine pimps
And seven bears
That left just one ring
The One Ring to rule them all
Lord Sauron giggles
An Alliance forged
In the fires of Mount Doom they
Went, and came back burnt
With Sauron struck down
By the hand of the prince, now
He has become King
Isildur lived short
He died of cancer and an
Orc knife in his throat
His bloated corpse moved
Floating in the putrid wet
Found by hobbits, dead
Rest In Peace, my King
Now dead your ring is taken
Small fingers’ caress
Smeagol was his name
Deagol was his friend, sadly
Emphasis on ‘was’
Corrupted by Ring
Smeagol crept into and lived
In caves underground
Smeagol now no more
It’s Gollum who bears the Ring
It is his preciousssss
But the Ring left him
No longer satisfied with
Grubby fingers’ touch
Surprisingly it
Was found by another one
Hobbit too, dammit
Bilbo B. Baggins
Many bees but none buzzing
Now cursed as well
Years would pass by quick
Bilbo growing old, thanks to Ring
Eleventy-one
When he called its name
The other one, “precious”, then
Gandalf made them part
Bilbo gone the Ring cursed
“Damn Wizard of boring Grey!”
He should wear more white
Whilst White was taken
It didn’t matter for Frodo
Soon came to claim it
I meant Ring, a‘course
Not White, since Hobbits make bad
Wizards; they are Rogues
Ring in his pocket
Frodo left for Rivendell
Backpack on his back
Surprisingly he
Was joined by two cousins and
Fat garden man Sam
Sticks and stones could break
Their bones, but the Nazgul would
Never catch them, right?
On Weathertop they
Did however… Strider came
And saved those whiners
Frodo, Merry, Sam
Pippin and Strider went on
But Frodo was dead…
Not really, I was
Just kidding back there, since Ring
Would never have that
As it would have it
Or would have if it could, then
Frodo would turn wraith
Bugger, imagine
That ever happening now…
Three feet of Nazgul?
Hahahahaha
But seriously though… that
Would have been crazy
That blasted Frodo
He was healed in Rivendell
By whatserface, th’Elf
Ring watched on as folks
Squabbled over its future
It ne’er got a say…
Almost like a kid
It wanted to shout, but couldn’t
Now Ring is emo
Ring was shaken up
By Gimli’s axelash at it
It cherished the pain…
Ring would soon gain friends
As nine guys went forth with it
Maybe one woman
Gandalf the Wizard
The Wizard Who Did It, but
What is “it”? Or who?
The four hobbits too
But they hardly count, so let’s
Forget about them
Legolas, the elf
Princess of the woods, truly
A blonde bimbo? Heh.
Gimli’s beard also
It was a funny thing, and
He took Gimli with
Then Aragorn-dude
And Boromir-guy, those two
Could have been gay pals
Too bad though that Dude—
Aragorn that is—banged elves
All herms, I tell ya
Boromir was sad
That’s why Ring called Saruman
Ending suffering
“It’s okay,” Ring’d say,
“You were never meant to be,
Together; sucks, no?”
Then Boromir’s ghost
Cried deeply (like a boss) and
Moved on to… someplace
They put his body
On a boat and kicked him off
Into waterfalls
Ring snickered softly,
“Too bad for Bo that he’d go
He’s somewhere better.”
The Uruk-hai did
Make sure the Fellowship split
Bad move, normally
Gandalf already
Had fallen to the pit, quite
Literally too
Merry and Pippin
Taken to Isengard to
Be eaten by orcs
Legolas, Beard, Dude,
They left to go hunting orcs
In strip clubs, I bet
Frodo and Sam were
The only ones left with Ring
Damn those hobbits twice
Persistency is
A virtue they say, sometimes
Ring hates that virtue
But even so Ring, the
One Ring that is, itself holds
To it quite strongly
Many hardships were faced
Oppurtunities taken
And missed too, bugger
Faramir came in
Walking onto the stage from
The right side, East Side
Ring pouted at him
This guy was less easy to
Make disappear quick
Faramir looked like
He was from the seventies
But Ring thought him hot
Faramir did though
Reject Ring’s advances which
Only enraged Ring
Thus Ring turned back to
Some old friends, calling Smeagol
Nay, Gollum’s the name
Sadly for Ring though
Frodo made Gollum a friend
Making him Smeagol
Would Smeagol again
Kill a friend of his? Frodo
Was not Deagol though
Almost having got
A shot at a final chance
Ring missed it bad
In the tower of
Cirith Ungol, what a name
Makes thought of sewers
Frodo was captive
But Sam came and messed it up
Ring cried for two days
Within a week, one
Hellish week for Ring, since it
Was so close to dad
It shivered and shook
It trembled and cooked, but geez,
Sauron did not see
Fire rained from Mount Doom
As Frodo and Sam climbed it
Gollum close behind
At the final chance
The Ring let loose it all that
It had and got it…
Frodo was taken!
The child of thirty-three or
Something around there
Cursed finally,
Success! But then Gollum came
And fucked it up; bitch…
Bitten from the hand
Frodo now nine-fingered, he
Pushed Gollum away
Falling Gollum did
But he was happy, for he
Had his precious now~
Ring did not like this
‘Twas surely unforeseen, though
You saw it coming
Sinking in lava
Held raised above Gollum’s head
Sauron now noticed
Idiot Dark Lord
His flaming eye fell down and
Tower exploded
Ring was dead, Sauron
His spirit was destroyed, and
His body too, def’
Peace restored again
Aragorn married and got
A pimpin’ crown too
Legolas and that
Beard of Gimli’s went forth to
Be ne’er seen again
Gandalf the White Guy
Wait, where did he come from now?
Oh well, he left too
Frodo was taken
Along with that Wizard man
Leaving Sam behind
Merry and Pippin
Supposedly had kids, but who
Would believe that bull?
This is the end then
Of the story of Ring and
His nine bitchin’ friends
Topic: A shortened version of the story of The Lord of the Rings as told through the point of view of the One Ring, presented in haiku as written by Morpholomewy
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