8 May 2006

TEHRAN -- In yet another bizarre action taken by Iran aimed to fend off UN investigators, Iran threatens to invade Columbia and seize America's single largest cocaine source.

According to sources within the Iranian government the plan is two-fold. The invasion will help Iran's Opium industry by eliminating a competing illicit drug sources and at the same time force America into a massive coke withdrawal.

"Our plan is flawless, and there will be no bloodshed, and our agenda would make Allah proud," said one spokesman for the Iranian government. "We believe this will take Columbia completely by surprise, since we all know they don't have the war machine like Iran has."

One source from the Whitehouse commented that Iran was full of hot air, and was probably smoking too much opium. "As we all know that sort of problem doesn't occur with coke (sniff) (sniff), yeah, I mean, opium, that's some weird shit man."

The main attitude from the DOD is Iran is high on too much opium to really pull it off. Consumers really shouldn’t expect a price hike on coke prices any more than the standard inflation caused by DEA.

However, sources in Israel maintain that opium can make people do anything and that America might want to protect its illegal drug trade so that the entire country doesn't go into withdrawal simultaneously.

Whitehouse correspondent, whathisname, commented that he shouldn't have a comment about illicit topics, other than any trade problems caused by Iran would of course be solved with extreme prejudice by the worlds greatest army in a massive shock and awe campaign.

Sources

• "Yuri" of the former KGB