What\'s the best joke you\'ve ever heared? Hopefully, this one won\'t make Make dumb!

[Edited on 23/4/2003 by AirMan]

[Edited on 23/4/2003 by AirMan]

Post redacted

I guess this joke is funny
How many skinny people can fit in a bath tub?

Sorry, I must have a weired sence of humour. I didn\'t find that funny at all. Maybe it\'s just me!

Post redacted

Some people know some funny ones, though.

[font=comic sans ms]*Cracks knuckles*

Okay, here\'s the best one I\'ve got.

A well-dressed businessman wlaks into a bar. He sits down and says, \"I\'ll have a 5 year old glass of whiskey.\" The bartender brings him the drink. The businessman sips it, and spits it out, saying, \"This is three year-old whiskey! How dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior whiskey!\" The bartender is shocked, and tells the man that he thought that he wouldn\'t know the two-year difference. The man lets it slide, and this happens with a 15 year-old glass of bourbon and a 30 year-old glass of port wine.

Meanwhile, an old drunk is sitting at the end of the bar, watching all of this. After a spell, he calls the bartender over. He produces a glass and says, \"Give it to that well-dressed businessman down there.\"

The bartender brings the drink to the businessman, noting that it came from the drunk. He raises his glass, sips it, winces, and spits it out and says, \"My God! This tastes like urine!\"

The old drunk at the end of the bar says, \"It is. Now tell me how old I am.\"

So there![/font]

Thart was a good one.

Here are some!

-Two cannibals are eating a clown. One stops and says to the other:
\'\'Does this taste funny to you?\'\'

-Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, \"Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that\'s going around?\"
The other cow answers, \"Yeah, makes you glad you\'re a penguin, doesn\'t it?\"

3-Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it\'s too far to walk.

- man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, \"I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.\"

\"Where did you get the other shiner?\" the boss asked.

\"Well,\" the man said, \"I figured she didn\'t want it out, so I pushed it back in.\"

-What\'s red and furry and tackles people?

Tackle Me Elmo!

-Things You Wouldn\'t Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it\'\'\'\'s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the TV on.

-A woman has a baby, but the labour was quick. The nurse rushes off with her baby and the woman worries. the doctor comes into the room to explain.

Doctor: I\'m sory to say this, but your baby is not healthy. Come with me.

The woman follows the doctor and they enter the nursery. There is a baby with no legs.

Woman: Oh my god, is that my baby?

Doctor: No, it\'s worse than that.

They enter another room and there\'s a baby with no arms or legs.

Woman: Oh my god, is that my baby??

Doctor: No, ma\'am, it\'s much worse.

They enter another room and they see a baby who\'s just a head.

Woman: Oh my god, it that my baby?!

Doctor: No, it\'s much worse than that...

They enter another room and there\'s a baby who\'s just an eye!

Woman: Oh my god, is that my baby?!!

Doctor: Yes, and I\'m afraid it\'s much worse...

Woman: Worse?! How can it be any worse?!!?

Doctor: He\'s blind.

-Why can\'t a blonde dial 911?
She can\'t find the eleven
-A blonde is on a four-engine plane. All of a sudden there\'s a loud bang. The pilot comes on the radio and says, “I\'m sorry, our first engine has just shut off. We\'ll be delayed 45 minutes.”
Then there\'s another bang. Once again, the radio comes on and the pilot says the same thing except that the second engine shut down and that they\'ll be delayed nearly two hours.
After that, the third engine shuts off and the pilot tells the passengers that they will be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we\'ll be up here all day.”

-The Three Astronauts

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked, \"Has anyone got a friggin\' match?\"

-Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?
For people who don\'t drink.
-*Blonde Walks into shop*

Blonde: Hi! Can I please buy that great TV?

Salesman: No, sorry, we don\'t serve blondes.

Blonde: Oh, goodbye!

*Blonde Leaves and dyes her hair brunette*

*Goes back into shop*

Blonde: Hi! Can I please buy that TV?

Salesman: No, Sorry, we don\'t serve blondes.

Blonde: How did you know I was blonde?

Salesman: That\'s not a TV, it\'s a microwave!
-A blonde and a brunett were walking on the side of the road, and the brunett says look a dead bird, and the blonde looks up and says where?
-How many blonde\'s does it take to screw in a light bulb?
**********
Well I don\'t know. It\'s never been done.
-A blonde is down on her luck..she needs money to make payments and she\'s been fired form her job. So she devises a plan to kidnap a random child for ransom!
She grabs a kid, tells them she kidnapped them and rights a note to the mom stating to put 10,000 dollars under the red oak tree...then she sends the kid home.
Next day, the blonde sees the bag with the money and a note from the mom saying:
\"How could you do this to a fellow blonde??\"
-There is a blonde, a brunette and someone with black hair. They found a Gene\'s bottle on the floor. They eack got one wish. The black haired one wished that she could be on a mediteranion island, sunbathing. Poof! She was. The Brunette wished that she was on holiday in Cornwall. Tye blonde was lonely so she wishen them back with her.

Looks like I found a few!

[font=comic sans ms]Here\'s a good Irish joke.

An Irishman walks into a bar, sits down and orders 3 beers. The bartender looks at him strageley, but gives him the 3 beers anyway. The Irishman sat alone at a table, ordering sets of 3 beers at a time.

Soon, the town is abuzz with gossip about the man who drinks 3 beers. One day, the Irishman sits down and orders 3 beers. The bartender goes and gives him the beers, but then asks, \"Everyone wants to know- why 3 at a time?\"

The irishman looked that the barkeep and said, \"Tis odd, isn\'t it? Well, one of my brothers moved to Austrailia, and I moved to America, so we decided to keep up the family bond by ordering a beer for each of us.\" The whole town fully accepted this answer, and they soon were telling the tale of the man who drinks 3 beers.

Then, one day, the Irishman comes in and orders only 2 beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart, saying,\"My condolences for the loss of your brother.\"

The Irishman just smiled and said, \"You\'ll be glad to hear that both my brothers are alive and well. It is just that I have decided to give up drinking for Lent.\"

Typical Irishman, right there.[/font]

I\'m not saying that this is the best joke I\'ve heard, but I thought it was kinda funny.

A man is walking down the street when he hears a mother\'s cry for help because her young child had swallowed a quarter and was choking on it. The man rushes over to the child picks him up and smacks the kid a few times. The quater comes out of the boy\'s mouth and falls on the floor. The mother thanks the man and asks if he is doctor given how he knew how to get the quater out of her son. The man replies, \"No, I\'m from the IRS.\"

How\'s that one?

This is a theme joke, but I still think it to be pretty funny.

How many Dragonball Z Characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
--------
One, but it\'ll take him four episodes.

More to come.

Pete and Repete were sitting in a boat. Pete falls out. Who\'s left?
Ask your friend that...Then ask him again...
...eheh.

I thought ChronoT2\'s was kinda funny.

[Edited on 29-4-2005 by Heatman.EXE]

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
-----------
A gummy bear!

And also, is anyone offended by Polish jokes? ^^;;; (Knows alot of them)

Well, I want to tell cheesy jokes. Yep, I\'m that evil.

Oh! I just remembered a really good one!
~~~~


There were three guys, a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head. They were all dating a farmer\'s daughter. (I know it doesn\'t make sense, but the end is funny, so hold on.) The farmer discovers this, and chases after the three guys.

The red-head, trying to avoid the farmer, leaps into a crowd of cows, and begins to call \"Moo, moo...\"

The farmer passes over him.

The brunette, following suit, jumps into a crowd of pigs, and begins to call \"Oink, oink.....\"

The farmer passes over him, too.

The blonde couldn\'t find any crowds of animals, so he dives into a pile of potatoes and begins to call \"Potato, potato....\"

How was that? Better?

The best joke I ever heard was this one. I don\'t find it as funny anymore but whatever...

Three guys are lined up at the pearly gates and St. Peter stands up and says, \"Your cause of death will determine if you get in or not.\" He is approached by the first man and St. Peter asks how he died. He says, \"Well I came home from work and I saw my wife naked in bed and there were clothes strewn all over the floor. I saw a set of fingers hanging from my balcony ledge and I thought they belonged to the guy who was sleeping with my wife, so I went over to the ledge and started hitting his fingers until he fell two stories to the pavement below. I looked down and he was still alive so I went to the kitchen, picked up the fridge and dropped it on him. I guess the strain was too much for my heart so I had a heart attack and died.\"

St. Peter says, \"Well you were defending your wife\'s honour so I\'ll let you in.\"

The next guy speaks. \"Well I was watering the flowers on my balcony on the third floor of my building but I slipped and fell over the edge. I managed to catch the balcony edge on the second floor and I was going to climb in but then this guy started beating on my fingers! I fell off and survived the two storey fall but then he threw a fridge on me!\"

St. Peter says \"You died innocently so yeah you can come in.\"

The third guy says, \"Well I was sleeping with my friend\'s wife when I heard the front door opening so I hid in his fridge...\"

I heard that joke at school a few weeks ago, I thought it was hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh again, Pocket.

Didn\'t it occur to the third guy that he wouldn\'t be able to get out? xD

[Edited on 6/8/05 by Mr.Mettaur]

A man gies into a Barber Shop and argues he never gets a clean shave. The bar tender says, \"Put this wodden ball in your mouth and stay still.\" The man does as he is told and the barber shaves his cheek. when he is done the man feels and says, \" that is a good shave, will you do the other side?\" The barber agress and starts shaving the other side. The man says, \" hey, what hoppens if I swallow the ball?\" The barber then replies, \" Bring it back tomarrow like everyone else!\"