May 5, 2006

At 2:44 PM UTC, or 8:44 AM local time, a laboratory known as the Black Mesa Research Facility, in New Mexico, was attacked by aliens who emerged from an alternate dimension. According to a scientist who managed to escape from the facility, the attack began after a failed experiment which involved putting some sort of mysterious substance into a nuclear reactor. The reactor was apparently destroyed in a magnificent and dramatic explosion of green lightning, and vicious aliens (all carnivorous and some capable of infesting and controlling human corpses) randomly teleported into the facility from a place currently known only as 'Xen'.

Within a matter of hours, the facility had been overrun by swarms of alien creatures. The United States military quickly sent in a team of expert commandos, police officers and kitten huffers to kill all the aliens, arrest or kill all the scientists (whichever is easier) and huff all the kittens. However, so far they have taken heavy losses, not only from the aliens but also from robotic machine guns mounted all over the base and an unknown scientist in a power suit who so far has managed to not only evade capture but also kill hundreds of aliens and set off numerous rockets randomly located across the facility. He will likely be apprehended soon, after he runs out of ammunition. The american soldiers also expect to have the base contained within the next 24 hours, after which a highly trained biohazard team will enter the base and shut down the interdimensional portals that allowed the aliens to enter our universe in the first place.

The following is an interview between Uncyclopedia's own UnNewsBot and Theodore Backman, the leader of the United States strike team dispatched to the Black Mesa Research Facility.

Uncyclopedia: So, just to start off with, what exactly were those materials they put in the nuclear reactor that made it into a portal to another dimension?

Ted: We're not sure. So far all we've determined is that they were anomalous.

Uncyclopedia: How anomalous?

Ted: That's still being investigated. It's probably somewhere between five meters and 32 degrees celsius.

Uncyclopedia: I see. About how many aliens are there in the facility at the moment, and how soon do you expect to contain them?

Ted: There are some 280000 aliens, and they're currently arriving at the rate of around 20 every second. We'll certainly contain them eventually, the question is just how many soldiers we lose before we manage it.

Uncyclopedia: And about this scientist you've been tracking, the one with the glasses and the crowbar? When do you expect to capture him?

Ted: It's hard to say. According to our latest reports he has about 98 health and a few thousand bullets. We're clearing up all the random piles of ammunition we can find, but there are many clips still lying in stupid places on the floor deep inside the facility, so we're assuming he has a good stock of ammunition and explosives with him. He's killed at least 4500 aliens and some 147 of our soldiers so far, so we're treating him as extremely dangerous.

Uncyclopedia: Makes sense. So, would you say that these alien invaders pose any threat to our civilization?

Ted: Very, very little. We have the entire base surrounded by helicopters and military personnel, and before long we expect to have shut down all the remaining dimensional portals, thereby preventing more aliens from coming through to our universe. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if I were you. Our biggest concern right now is what would happen if someone took this whole incident and made it into a computer game.

Uncyclopedia: I suppose that's because it might compromise your security?

Ted: Exactly.

Uncyclopedia: Don't you think having it written up and posted on Uncyclopedia might compromise your security?

Ted: Nah. No one reads Uncyclopedia anyway.

Uncyclopedia: True. Well, I suppose that concludes our interview. Thank you for your time, Ted!



The scientist responsible for most of the alien casualties so far, caught on a security camera.

Edited by Mega X.exe on May 6, 2006 at 11:35:08.

Oh shit, I heard about this. Supposedly the aliens are trying to take over our world and kill everyone that resists!

I suggest we start a resistence. Right now. Follow in the footsteps of Mr. Freeman, and wait for his eventual return. Like Jesus.

...AND WE CAN USE THE LAMBDA SYMBOL FOR SAFEHOUSES!

I know this'll work. I just know.

What the heck?
Aliens? Maybe they created these 'creatures' on accident?

Wouldn't this be on TV if it happened?

Hmmm, confusing. This seems really hard to believe, but hey, when does space ever end? How many other worlds are out there? We never know what or who else is living out there.

We should make all these aliens eat poisoned Burger King burgers, making them sick, then finish them off with sporks!

Follow Freeman!

THD's right... We must follow Gordan Freeman if we are to survive!

-Ri

lol that has to be a fake report or a scam because there have never been aliens around us at all really. I mean, there are no such thing as aliens..this planet is the only thing living until the sun swells up into a super red giant and engulfs us all into hell.

You can't really say something like that. The Universe is supposed to be infinite. I doubt it's just for fun. I believe in the theory that there's life in other solar systems...Don't really remember the name of that theory, but it made sense.

Anyway, Freeman > all

When looking at it by a logical approach, in an ever-expanding universe, it's nigh impossible that this planet is the sole source of carbon-based life forms. Of course there's life somewhere else.

How do we know that our Solar System hasn't been discovered by other life? How do we know we're not isolated from other life forms and solar systems by millions of life years?

Met, behind you, a sentient lifeform not of this earth!

Alright well, I think we need some weapons. And Mega X, are you opposed to using really gullible people as shields?

Hmmm..yea I guess that makes sense but, why dont they just come over here if they discovered us and talk to us? I am sure we would be extremely surprised and so would they...of course they didnt have to evolve like we did, we got our language because we developed it but it dosnt have to be the same for them. They probably have a series of clicks and beeps to comunicate or something...who knows.

We don't have to poison the burgers, Burger King does that for you! Ready your sporks!

Ya know, it's a shame I never played half-life.

With the exception of a few entertaining people, not at all.