Barbie Goddess
We are proud to announce that archaeologists have made a major discovery
explaining religious practice in the 1990's, over three thousand years ago!
These discoveries help us better understand the myths and traditions which
have been handed down over the years, and still survive today within the
popular cult of the Goddess Barbie. This tradition is one of the fastest
growing groups of modern-day Goddess worship.

Archaeologists have discovered that Barbie worship dates back to ancient
times. Figures of the Goddess Barbie have been unearthed, preserved in
nearly pristine state. It seems that ancient worshipers made their images
of Barbie in a material known as plastic. It was known at the time that
plastic did not decay to the elements over time and was nearly everlasting!

Because of this, it is obvious to our research team that those items made
of plastic were held in the highest regard by the ancient culture of the
1990's. They surely wanted to preserve these items for eternity!
Research shows that ancient priestesses of Barbie were initiated at a very
young age. The initiation ceremony involved a complex litany which
lasted several weeks, usually prior to the Winter Solstice. Young daughters
would chant at length to their parents, repeating over and over the praises
of Barbie, stating their desires for the Goddess to enter their lives.

While these chants varied from priestess to priestess, the words "I Want"
are common to many of the evocations. Later, after initiation, additional
chants focused on a wide variety of magical tools and altar accessories
used by the Goddess Barbie in Her temple.

Images of the Goddess Barbie show Her in many aspects. For example,
She was portrayed as a Solar Deity in Her Malibu Barbie aspect. This
explains the modern-day custom of Barbie worshipers donning colored
glasses and anointing themselves with special protective lotions to celebrate
the Summer Solstice!

It is known that ancient religions sometimes masked their Deities within
the Saints of ancient Catholicism. Researchers are certain this explains the
name used for an ancient west coast village known as Santa Barbara,
perhaps a Mecca for Barbie worshipers.

Each Barbie figurine also held strange numerical markings, $24.99.
This explains the current custom where Barbie worshipers tattoo
themselves with this number! It was obviously the number most sacred to
the Goddess. The $ symbol was used in many ways by the ancient
culture, and was considered both a scourge and salute to religious society.

It was also discovered that ancient Barbie had a consort known as Ken.
Close examination of plastic Ken figures explain why today's modern
Barbie worshipers allow only eunuchs to participate in religious rites,
with no other males allowed. Since many fewer Ken figures were found,
we can assume that the ancient Barbie worshipers were a matriarchal
tradition.

Our team of linguistic researchers have determined through study of the
ancient language that Ken was renowned in many parts of the world.
This explains the origins of ancient places like Kenya, Kentucky and
even the variation of Canada. An in-depth study of the Ken mythos also
links Him to the ancient clan known as Kennedy. Note the amazing
facial similarities!

Stories surrounding this ancient Kennedy cult seem to be a unique
mixture of the "slain God" stories (similar to the Egyptian Osiris) and
the revelry of the Roman Bacchus. This seems to fit all three aspects of
the Triple Kennedy myth.

Other research shows a related figure, an ancient warrior God known
as GI Joe. Since GI Joe had no known female consort, and was also a
eunuch, it is obvious that both Joe and Ken competed for the Goddess
Barbie. One theory links this to the surviving Oak King/Holly King
myths of earlier times.

Researchers also uncovered other mythical characters, known as
Shakespeare, Einstein, Gandhi, and Ralph Nader. But since the ancient
culture held these in much lower relative importance than Barbie, they
obviously were mere minor demigods of the era. We are thrilled to have
discovered these Old ways, since they shed light upon many unexplained
traditions of today. We can use this clear view of history to put our
present-day customs in perspective!

After this significant success in discovering the ancient Barbie myths,
our archaeological efforts have been approved for additional funding to
research the ancient Ninja Turtle myths as well. Since many plastic
artifacts of the Ninja Turtles have been found in North America, perhaps
they are linked to the ancient Native American cultures of Turtle Island?
Only time will tell.

Have a blessed day,
StarLadyAstara

This is pretty funny, with the exception of the money part: even 3000 years from now, even if money is long gone, the concept won't be forgotten to the point that archeologists (read here: specialists) wouldn't have a basic idea of what it is.

So Morphman says, they would revive the dead in plastic.

Well Ken'd be dead plastic too.

Oh, I think dumber has been pretty much the way it\'s been going for a while.