This is it, ladies and gentlemen! We've finally reached the end, and I could not be happier. At long last, this godless monstrosity called the Mega Man Zero manga is nearly over. No more crappy plotline, no more poor excuses for characters, no more casual raping of canon...it sounds too good to be true. Of course, since this manga has a long history of disappointment, I'm sure this tale won't end without dropping a few more surprises on us. Still, we must press on! Maybe if we walk fast enough, it won't notice us.
So, last time, Zero totally ditched Lito to go to Neo Arcadia with his new drinking buddy Harpuia, after hearing the latter's completely logical and uncontradictory argument explaining why Zero should join them. Before the title page, though, Passy realizes that Zero just didn't want Lito to get involved in the upcoming battle. Trust me when I say that this isn't going to matter at all.
The truth is that THIS STORY IS HORRIBLE.
So the plane lands at Titan Tower and Harpuia and Zero are greeted by the other Guardians. Fefnir notes that, despite all the bitching he did earlier about the Guardians failing to destroy Zero, Harpuia hasn't actually bothered to destroy Zero after all. Harpuia explains that Zero wanted to join their cause, and despite massacaring hordes of their minions and ALMOST killing Phantom, hey, he would be a really nifty keen soldier, don't you think?
Welcome to my hell, Fefnir. Welcome to my hell.
Wait, why the hell did everyone turn into stick people with big heads? That doesn't even-you know what, screw it.
Anyway, Harpuia whispers that he's got an ace in the hole or he holds all the cards or some other related card pun in case Zero pulls his crap. Frustrated, Fefnir unleashes this titanic comeback:
"If I go into the bathroom and find that all the toilets are clogged up, it'll be YOUR ASS, you hear me?"
Meanwhile, we transition to yet another poorly lit room within Heaven. This time it appears to be the most boring control center ever, run by none other than Geordi La Forge.
Someone interrupts Visor Person's attempt at the new high score by saying that Harpuia and Zero are here, and VP gives them your typical cryptic greeting expected from leaders of mysterious enemy organizations.
I never thought I'd be reviewing an extremely crappy manga starring Zero, but HERE WE ARE!
Zero cuts right to the chase and asks Visor Person about his memories. Visor Person agrees to throw down the rhythms with Zero, and lifts her visor so they can talk eye to badly drawn eye.
An evil twin sister.
You gave Ciel...an evil twin sister.
"Nerdrage powers, activate!"
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! AN EVIL TWIN SISTER? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THIS WAS YOUR GREAT REPLACEMENT FOR COPY X?! CIEL'S EVIL TWIN SISTER?! IS THIS A JOKE?! I COULD WIPE MY FACE THROUGH DOG CRAP AND IT WOULD BE MORE CREATIVE THAN THAT!!! FIRST YOU LEAVE OUT MEGA MAN X AND NOW THIS?! SERIOUSLY! AN EVIL TWIN SISTER? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
(takes a deep breath)
Okay. I'm fine. I'm cool now. It's just that...GOD, you had to throw in one more curveball, didn't you, manga? Seriously, what was so hard about including X? I know the manga is called Mega Man Zero, but remember who set the Mega Man standard in the first place!
Anyway, Evil Twin says her name is Cial, which is just OOZING with the promise of an elementary school writing class. She explains that she fights for the rights of the humans, while her goody-two-shoes sister Ciel fights for the rights of Reploids. Back in the day, there was a virus that turned Reploids insane or gave them polio or something, and humans realized that "huh, maybe we should've paid attention to that Asimov guy". To combat this problem they built, strangely enough, MORE Reploids. Zero was one of the good Reploids that led the others to victory.
Of course, it wouldn't be an exciting commentary on human nature if the humans didn't reward the good Reploids by destroying them along with the evil ones. Apparently, this didn't sit well with our hero.
Man, the future is grim. Just look how the bridge of Cial's nose is trying to escape her face!
Cial redecoed the Reploids so that they wouldn't get the super flu virus or whatever the heck they're calling it, which somehow is so remarkable of an achievement that it landed her a spot as the leader of a COUNTRY. Yeah, that's fair-Issac Newton only helped contribute to the LAWS OF PHYSICS, he should've been made ruler of the MOON for something like that.
Oh, yeah, and Cial's got a god complex or something because of it, I guess.
I'd say "God is dead", but there must be no God if this manga exists.
Now that we've learned how this incredibly stupid future came to be, Cial gives Zero an ultimatium.
CIAL: "Now that you know, if you would truly become one of us, you must be remodeled as a new-type Reploid."
ZERO: "Okay, but I get to keep the hair."
CIAL: "Sure. But it's much too long-we'll have to shorten it."
Thus, Cial brings the other guardians back into the room, because they don't want free-willed beatniks like Zero living in their city. Does this stop Zero? Hell no!
Zero asks Cial to let him escape without being remodeled or executed, and with Cial about to get a new airhole courtesy of Mr. Buster, Zero better get what Zero wants. As expected, Fefnir hollers for Harpuia to do something. Yeah, you're so wonderful in a crisis, Fefnir. Thanks for your contribution.
Well, Harpuia does have a contingency plan in place for sudden hostage situations, at least. A few soldiers haul in a generic glass chamber-by Odin's BEARD, they've captured Lito!
Wait a minute! Harpuia was by himself in that forest with Zero and Lito, and rode with Zero to Heaven, and not once did we catch Harpuia making any sort of call to get the kid just in case Things Went Down. I know you're not supposed to tell the reader EVERYTHING in a story, but you're not supposed to pull things out of your ass without some sort of reasoning, either. Granted, Harpuia did mention to Fefnir that he planned a backup solution to begin with, but would it have been too much to outwardly have Harpuia issue those orders before he went to fight Zero?
Bah, look at me. Trying to make sense out of this poorly written drivel. God knows that's not going to get me anywhere.
In any case, Harpuia uses Lito to get Zero to release Cial.
(sniff) We can still be friends, right?
Of course, the minute that Cial is out of harm's way, she commands for the Guardians to show Zero their true power. But that can only mean...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! Why the hell did the Guardians fuse into Copy X?! Including X in the manga was SUCH A COLOSSAL EFFORT but now you throw in this guy at the last minute like nothing ever happened? This was supposed to be an adaptation of Mega Man Zero 1, but you went out of your way to make sure it was NOTHING like the original, and NOW you throw in the final boss of that game to try and cap off this pathetic ordeal? What is your PROBLEM? What do you have against X? He's only THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS SERIES! Hell, if you were deadset on avoiding the use of X, would it have been so hard to design a completely new final boss? I mean, the artist would've given him stunted limbs and a face that's concave considering how much he sucks at drawing those, but at least it'd make more sense than THIS!
So Fakeass X warps around, firing what looks like giant globs of snot. Zero tries to pin the bastard down but fails at this like everything else. Fakey McFakerson swats Zero with a Nova Strike, and as Zero to tumbles away, Lito bolts after him.
This day just gets better and better.
Passy got knocked out of Zero due to getting his ass kicked and says that "well, I have a charge time, so you're basically hosed". Meanwhile, -3 spends valuable floor time wondering what the hell is going on.
Peyote, from the looks of it.
Fakelord of the Fake Dimension walks over with those heavy Darth Vader-esque kind of steps and Lito tells him not to come any closer, like that's going to work.
-3 vaguely wonders what is stalking towards him as Lito vainly attempts to grow taller or shoo the bad guy away or something like that. Fakemaster X responds by knocking Lito aside with his cannon, in a rare moment where I actually support child abuse.
Now that I think about it, where the hell is Cial in all this?
CIAL: Good! Let the hate flow through you!
-3 cries out in protest and is rewarded with a kick in the ribs. Just before Resident McFakeass can blow -3 away, Lito pounces right back and knocks the cannon aside just as it fires. Enraged, The Faker knocks Lito aside again, this time drawing a bead on the expendable sidekick.
Great moons of Neptune served with a side of suffering succotash! Lito's in danger! -3's whole body feels weak, but he must act! He must save Lito! He must appeal to his fanbase comprised entirely of three people! Desperately, he pleads for strength, pleads for The Warrior Within to give him the power he needs.
Heart of the Cards...GUIDE ME! I've suffered through eight chapters of pain and despair-give me the power to end this crappy manga ONCE AND FOR ALL!
And with that, the godless Copy X ripoff has been killed. Utterly defeated by -3's explosion of mannitude, Cial has no choice but to attempt actual diplomacy with her sister. The war between Neo Arcadia and the Resistance comes to a close, and Reploids and humans learn to overcome their barriers off-screen and live together in harmony.
Zero's work is done for now. Until he is needed again, he enters a self-imposed hibernation within -3's frail, girly body. But rest assured, my friends-when this world inevitably plunges into chaos once again, our mighty champion will arise to defend us once more.
Rest well, Zero. You deserve it.
for surviving the WORST PIECE OF GARBAGE I HAVE EVER READ!
This manga is a TRAGEDY! The only Mega Man series that has the closest thing resembling a plot, and they screw it up on PAGE ONE! The Battle Network manga is thirteen volumes of Dragon Ball Z fighting and double-takes and it STILL SEEMS TO HAVE MORE IN COMMON WITH THE GAMES THAN THIS! Why was it SO DIFFICULT to tell the story that was in the game? I understand that an adaptation can't copy the game word-for-word, but at least you can tell they're based off the game they're adapting! This manga is a shining exmaple about how much Capcom doesn't give a damn about Mega Man considering they actually allowed someone to print this pile of dreck! Chapter One should've been called "Screw You" for all I know because that's all this is-a giant "Screw You" to Mega Man fans who care about this franchise despite the sorry state it's in!
In no way, shape, or form should you EVER buy this manga. It's STUPID, BADLY WRITTEN, populated with CRAPPY CHARACTERS in a plot that couldn't support MILK. Mega Man Zero PORN is more game-accurate than this. Whatever you do, STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS MANGA AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
You'll be glad you did.
Until next time, I'm The Helldragon. I review bad comic books because I have nothing better to do with my time. Thanks for reading the Mega Man Zero Manga Review. I'll catch ya later.
Whew! Finally, I'm finished with that review. I mean, I love ripping into stupid stuff as much as the next guy, but reading that manga was an exercise in sanity. I'm just glad there isn't any more.
...wait a minute.
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE?!?!?!