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Topic: BEER., Just 'cause it's disgutsing doesn't mean this isn't hilarious.

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God
Not A Feminist


Status: Offline
Posts: 849
Stream: BREAKING NEWS!: Snape kills Dumbledore.
Posted on January 15, 2008 at 2:56:27 [Post link]
Quote


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet:
CAUSE: Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet:
CAUSE: Improper Bladder Control
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
CAUSE: a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
CAUSE: You have fallen forward
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
CAUSE: a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

SYMPTOM: Floor Blurred
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM: Floor moving
CAUSE: You are being carried out
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark
CAUSE: Bar has closed
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender If staff is gone,
grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door.
Run!

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside


SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear
CAUSE: It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him

SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)


SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
CAUSE: You have been in a fight
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
CAUSE: You've wandered into the wrong party
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer

SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.
Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
CAUSE: a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow.
Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach


SYMPTOM: You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
CAUSE: You're in a gay bar
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted
CAUSE: The beer is too weak
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song
CAUSE: Beer is just right
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar

Edited by God on January 17, 2008 at 21:26:30.

Ray
Chocobo


Status: Inactive
Posts: 810
Stream: Can i kill you?
Posted on January 15, 2008 at 16:16:10 [Post link]
Quote

LOL

that is why i never drink beer


Image

Ace Scope
Superstar!


Status: Offline
Posts: 342
Posted on January 16, 2008 at 20:04:53 [Post link]
Quote

Those are all really good, the last one cracked me up.

Morphman
Niz-Da


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Posted on January 17, 2008 at 20:20:09 [Post link]
Quote

SYMPTOM: Laptop is wet and foamy.
CAUSE: You spit beer over it due to laughter.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Laugh because it was funny, then drink more beer to stop caring about the laptop.


Image
All hail the Supreme Comrade Cossack!

Smirnoff
Superstar!


Status: Inactive
Posts: 1071
Stream: Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.
Posted on January 18, 2008 at 2:16:45 [Post link]
Quote

I gotta say, that "sobering up" one was pretty funny. I'm sure we've ALL been there...

Edited by Smirnoff on January 18, 2008 at 2:17:12.

Soru-Badeguyu
RAGEQUIT


Status: Inactive
Posts: 375
Stream: ARMAGEDDON HAS BEGUN
Posted on March 25, 2008 at 20:19:44 [Post link]
Quote

Holy crap, I knew I shouldn't have taken the last one.

Mommy, where am I?

EDIT My god, things have changed. Even my best buddy, pal and friend Zuppahiko got banned. o_o

Edited by Soru-Badeguyu on March 25, 2008 at 22:22:10.


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SPT Layzner
The Blue Comet


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Posted on March 25, 2008 at 21:37:12 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Originally posted by Soru-Badeguyu
Holy crap, I knew I shouldn't have taken the last one.

Mommy, where am I?

EDIT My god, things have changed. Even my best buddy, pal and friend Zuppahiko got banned. o_o

Edited by Soru-Badeguyu on March 25, 2008 at 22:22:10.


What? You're still alive? Holy shi-


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Doctacosa
Admin
SciLab Official
Ship Captain


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Posted on March 26, 2008 at 2:18:32 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Originally posted by SPT Layzner
Quote:
Originally posted by Soru-Badeguyu
Holy crap, I knew I shouldn't have taken the last one.

Mommy, where am I?

EDIT My god, things have changed. Even my best buddy, pal and friend Zuppahiko got banned. o_o

Edited by Soru-Badeguyu on March 25, 2008 at 22:22:10.


What? You're still alive? Holy shi-


Quick, shoot him again!!


The admin formerly known as Dr. Cossack.

I post musings, images and nonsense on Tumblr! I play games on Steam! Add me on either/both, and don't hesitate to ask if you want to play something with me!

"There are only three things certain in life: Death, taxes, and Teej's obsessions." ~ RisingDragon (still true in 2019!)

Soru-Badeguyu
RAGEQUIT


Status: Inactive
Posts: 375
Stream: ARMAGEDDON HAS BEGUN
Posted on March 26, 2008 at 2:30:35 [Post link]
Quote

No Cossack! You backstabber!


Bleep, and then I shall fade again!

Edited by Soru-Badeguyu on March 26, 2008 at 4:46:03.


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FlareMan
DMN #007


Status: Inactive
Posts: 1186
Posted on March 26, 2008 at 4:16:18 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)


...

There are no urinals in a women's restroom...


Back from another thousand-year hibernation.

MaceMan
Knight


Status: Inactive
Posts: 1049
Stream: zzzzzt!
Posted on March 26, 2008 at 4:50:26 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Originally posted by FlareMan
Quote:
SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
CAUSE: You're in the ladies' room
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
Try to get phone numbers (optional)


...

There are no urinals in a women's restroom...


Precisely.


Nothing is foolproof to a truly talented fool.

Sorry, MegaMan, but it looks like you
might be stuck up there for a little while more... Actually... at this rate... you may NEVER come down!!! *sob*

Glenn Magus Harvey
Lead character


Status: Offline
Posts: 173
Posted on March 27, 2008 at 3:19:50 [Post link]
Quote

SYMPTOM: You feel in contact with an unfamiliar pair of lips, of a gender you're not interested in.
CAUSE: You've been too drunk to realize that you're acting like an idiot.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Drink some more in order to suppress any remnant of conscience you had about kissing a complete stranger. If you're adequately trashed, you will finally realize that it is in fact great comedy.

SYMPTOM: You got flamed on a message board.
CAUSE: You posted while drunk. You sounded like an idiot.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get drunk again before posting here. Then you'll feel ready to flame that offending person back.

SYMPTOM: The world sucks.
CAUSE: You are sober.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Go back to the bar and get drunk.

Edited by Glenn Magus Harvey on March 26, 2008 at 23:29:08.


It Just Bugs Me! - a place to discuss media, real life, and other topics.

SPT Layzner
The Blue Comet


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Posted on March 27, 2008 at 10:33:01 [Post link]
Quote

You're alive as well? Wtf?


Image
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Yllisos Zanon
Free Lance Bestiality


Status: Inactive
Posts: 657
Stream: Are you sure you wanna know
Posted on March 27, 2008 at 17:59:11 [Post link]
Quote

SYMPTOM: All woman are looking ugly and dumb.
CAUSE: You are slightly drunk.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Drink some more until they all look good.

SYMPTOM: Children think you smell like a Garden.
CAUSE: You are wearing to much cologne.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get seriously wasted until you smell like vomit and piss.

SYMPTOM: Your brain is working properly.
CAUSE: You are sober.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Slam down some hard liquer until your topsy tirvy.

SYMPTOM: Your family is actually looking at you and care.
CAUSE: You are drunk and telling a story.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Everytime you finish a sentence, take another drink.


Their coming to take me away, hee hee haw haw hoo hoo
----------------------
You cannot kill what you did not create

Sakura
Aqua-cadet


Status: Inactive
Posts: 1037
Stream: Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Posted on March 28, 2008 at 1:30:09 [Post link]
Quote

Mmm reasons why beer is better than women? Haha.

10. A good beer yields good head, but not all good women do.

9. You can share your beer with your friends, but you really can't share your woman with them.

8. You can hang out with your beer all night, and chances are you will enjoy the conversation.

7. When you and a beer are finished a new one is an arms reach away, when you and your woman are finished that arms reach will get you slapped.

6. Beer tends to solve all the problems that women create.

5. If you feel the need to try new beer, go down to the package store and look in the cooler and pick one. The only place I've been to where you can window shop for women is Amsterdam.

4. If you were to get into bed and find a cold beer would you complain? Now if you were to get into bed and find a cold woman...

3. Not only will beer not care if you spend the Sunday watching football, but chances are it was beer who sponsered the game.

2. Even if you have poor eyesight, beer improves your ability to spot attractive women.

1. Try finding the woman you want to come in groups of Six.

Quote:
Originally posted by Glenn Magus Harvey
SYMPTOM: You got flamed on a message board.
CAUSE: You posted while drunk. You sounded like an idiot.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get drunk again before posting here. Then you'll feel ready to flame that offending person back.


I know plenty of people who have gotten flamed while completely sober. And I have posted while immensely intoxicated and I was able to make perfect sense, as I am right now.

And why are we talking about people being nor-dead?
>.<
I need to come here a lot more often.



Yllisos Zanon
Free Lance Bestiality


Status: Inactive
Posts: 657
Stream: Are you sure you wanna know
Posted on March 28, 2008 at 2:19:08 [Post link]
Quote

mmmmmmmm... beer, another top ten why beer is better than women.

10: When you put your lips from one beer to another, the previous one doesn't complain.

9: Peanuts taste better with beer.

8: Has beer ever given you a death stare, for looking at another beer?

7: Beer gives you hangovers, women just keep you hanging.

6: Beer looks good in both 6-pack and kegger forms, women on the other hand.

5: Has beer ever complained about not getting flowers, chocolates, or jewelry?

4: Beer makes the world go round, women makes it feel square.

3: Beer quenches your thirst while women make your body run dry.

2: You think a glass of beer is half full, she tells you your half dumb.

1: How many beers does it take to make love to a woman? None. The woman will nag until the job is done, properly.

SYMPTOM: So many headeaches
CAUSE: Your woman nagging you for not spending enough time with her.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get her drunk.


Their coming to take me away, hee hee haw haw hoo hoo
----------------------
You cannot kill what you did not create

Doctacosa
Admin
SciLab Official
Ship Captain


Status: Offline
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Posted on March 28, 2008 at 3:09:34 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Originally posted by Kagome_Sakura
And why are we talking about people being nor-dead?
>.<


Because a lot of people have been awfully quiet lately, so it feels like a few of them have risen from the dead!


Quote:
I need to come here a lot more often.


Yup yup, otherwise I'll be sending you new canadian pancakes-related nightmares. You wouldn't want that, riiiight?


The admin formerly known as Dr. Cossack.

I post musings, images and nonsense on Tumblr! I play games on Steam! Add me on either/both, and don't hesitate to ask if you want to play something with me!

"There are only three things certain in life: Death, taxes, and Teej's obsessions." ~ RisingDragon (still true in 2019!)

Yllisos Zanon
Free Lance Bestiality


Status: Inactive
Posts: 657
Stream: Are you sure you wanna know
Posted on March 28, 2008 at 3:26:03 [Post link]
Quote

Beer Battered Pancakes from me, sweeeeeeet dreeeeaaaaams.
hee hee


Their coming to take me away, hee hee haw haw hoo hoo
----------------------
You cannot kill what you did not create

Unknown_Entity
Minecraft op
Contributor
634% more 1337


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Posted on April 2, 2008 at 5:43:55 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Originally posted by Kagome_Sakura
And why are we talking about people being nor-dead?
>.<
I need to come here a lot more often.


Symptom: You see UE post.
Cause: You've had one too many drinks and think you're hallucinating.
Corrective action: Dance with a ReDead an pretend it never happened.

Also, being nor-dead is the hip new version of undead. Cause we all know redead zombies are the shiznat.


Spammers make Doc this face > :mad:

Chatz

[14:33:35] <Lost_To_Apathy> STZ...what the feck is that? Sexually Transmitted Zit?

Noobs can click here for all the Gameshark codes and roms they need

Packard
Was ist das?


Status: Inactive
Posts: 417
Stream: For Worse....Even Nobody Disses Zelda...
Posted on April 3, 2008 at 13:31:14 [Post link]
Quote

I like an occasional beer. Onry probrem is that I tend to drink too much of it and end up adding on some extra calories. o_o

BTW, nice to be back at your board since it's been quite a while, Doc. I'll drop by every once and then. ^_-


The capitalism of my thoughts................... Nostalgia, anyone!? Ah, never mind.......You're better off not knowing.

Morphman
Niz-Da


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Posted on April 3, 2008 at 14:51:19 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Because a lot of people have been awfully quiet lately, so it feels like a few of them have risen from the dead!


DRUNK NECROMANCERS!

Quote:
Originally posted by Kagome_Sakura
I know plenty of people who have gotten flamed while completely sober. And I have posted while immensely intoxicated and I was able to make perfect sense, as I am right now.


So... you posted this while you were drunk?


Image
All hail the Supreme Comrade Cossack!

Samsara
insert pop culture reference here


Status: Inactive
Posts: 4080
Posted on April 3, 2008 at 21:51:39 [Post link]
Quote



Quote:
Originally posted by Kagome_Sakura
I know plenty of people who have gotten flamed while completely sober. And I have posted while immensely intoxicated and I was able to make perfect sense, as I am right now.


I must say, in that case, your eloquence is fantastic xD


Sakura
Aqua-cadet


Status: Inactive
Posts: 1037
Stream: Hey moon, please forget to fall down
Posted on April 8, 2008 at 23:34:07 [Post link]
Quote

Quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Cossack

Yup yup, otherwise I'll be sending you new canadian pancakes-related nightmares. You wouldn't want that, riiiight?


Mmm, that dream was rather tasty haha.
Doc likes to offer me breakfast, that's way better than the Burger King.

Quote:
Originally posted by Samsara

I must say, in that case, your eloquence is fantastic xD


I know right?

Quote:
Originally posted by Morphman
So... you posted this while you were drunk?


Do you have a problem with that? haha.
I was going to attempt to drive because I felt fine, but then I walked into the mirror, so I just took the safe path and let my friend drive.
I may be extremely slow, but I'm not stupid.



 

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