Some people claim that Final Fantasy VII is one of the best RPGs ever made. Other people would rather make love to an electric fence.

Still, Final Fantasy VII changed the face of gaming in such a way that it deserves your respect. And it's not because of the storyline or gameplay. No, I think it's those little details that truly set the game apart and revolutionized the genre for years to come. As such, these are the top 7 reasons to give Final Fantasy VII all of your money. Why top 7? Because there definitely wasn't enough material for a top 10.


7. Giant swords.
Both Cloud Strife and Sephiroth carry giant swords. Why? Well, at the time, the giant sword industry wasn't doing so well. Not only were giant swords heavy and clumsy to use in battle, but they had the side-effect of making you look like a complete moron. Final Fantasy VII rectified this problem by making all of their giant swords look so cool that players just had to buy one.

Of course, the giant sword industry gained so much profit from the venture that the complete moron industry skyrocketed. As a result, some morons became so rich that they were promoted to complete jackoffs.


6. Crossdressing.
Many detractors of video games claim that they teach players violent skills such as hijacking cars or killing innocent people. This is true, because Street Fighter has taught me everything I know about throwing fireballs from my hands.

But gaming can also be used to practice positive lifestyle changes as well. For example, early on there's a scene where Cloud and Aeris need to enter the mansion of Don Corneo, a mob boss who is very close to going supernova.

Except for Don's minions, no other men are allowed inside the mansion, so Cloud decides to dress himself up as a woman in order to gain entry. I really think this little adventure can help some less decisive males break past the barriers of fear and decide if crossdressing is right for them. After all, if Cloud can look fabulous, then so can I. But not wearing that dress. You just look like a whore.


5. Knights of the Round.
Would you like some classic literature with your video game? The inclusion of the Knights of the Round Table as a summon reminded players just how awesome the old Arthurian legends were, especially the part where they transformed into fifty-foot-tall superhuman warriors.

Why don't more video games have summons based on popular heroes of literature? Odysseus, Ali Baba, Robin Hood...the possibilities are limitless. Personally, nothing would destroy my enemies more than giant robotic versions of the Hardy Boys.


4. Chunky graphics.
1997 was a crazy year. Titanic sold a lot of tickets, Snake Plissken escaped from New York, and everyone looked like this.


Well, except the people who could afford cutscenes.


It was a time where people came together in spite of their differences and helped each other confront the challenges of life. This was especially true for Big Ben's Furniture Movers, who had to kick everything into their trucks because their arm muscles were as thick as french fries.

Fortunately, in 1999, enough material was mined from technology deposits in the Atlantic to cover the world in realism. Unfortunately, some clothing was affected by spores found in the realism, turning normal outfits into ridiculous ones. As of this writing, a cure has not yet been found.




3. Thankfully optional characters.
Besides the main party, there's two extra characters you can add to your team. There's Vincent Valentine, a poster child for genetic experimentation, and Yuffie Kisaragi, whose first name sounds like a snack cake.

Now, if used right, Vincent and Yuffie can be pretty strong. However, I'm glad that they're both skippable. First off, Vincent wears a lot of red, which I'm told attracts bulls. I already run into giant snakes outside of Midgar-I don't need to add bulls to that list. As for Yuffie, well...I used to own a Kisaragi. The model I had was used to train Nascar drivers in a domestic setting. This is probably why it wouldn't let me make right turns.

But why stop there? None of the other party members do anything for me either. Cloud's hair is stupid, Barret's got big feet, Cid should be using a gun, Cait Sith just plain sucks and Tifa can easily spell doom for celibacy. If it were up to me, I'd make 'em all optional.

Well, except maybe Aeris.

And Robocop.


2. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.
Since the first Final Fantasy movie could be considered a bait-and-switch, Advent Children set out to bring us a cinematic experience worthy of the Final Fantasy VII name. So what was the problem? Hmmm. An actual plot would've been nice. Instead, we got a movie chock full of outlandish combat, along with spoken dialogue that was originally kept to text boxes for a reason.



Now, some of you might be asking, "Well, if Advent Children sucked, why is that a reason to respect Final Fantasy VII?" Easy-no matter how much you dislike Final Fantasy VII, Advent Children makes you realize that at least the original game wasn't as bad compared to this.


1. Polygonal boobs.
The realism crisis of 1997 panicked female boobs everywhere. Suddenly, realistic boobs were very important, and it didn't take long for the boobs to establish a social hierarchy based on their level of rendering. Highly advanced boobs rose to prosperity, while the 2D boobs, already on the downturn, fell to the lower ranks of society. Being called a 2D boob during this time was enough to start a fight, resulting in boobs flopping everywhere.

As you might expect, during that time Tifa's boobs enjoyed a burst of popularity, and found themselves enjoying a range of benefits. Aeris would go on record stating that she never liked Tifa's boobs, claiming that "at least I don't look like I'm smuggling birthday cakes under my shirt".

When Yuffie was asked her opinion on the matter, she was reported to have thrown a wild tantrum complaining about her standing in the boob hierarcy. It may seem immature, but I must ask you to forgive her. After all, she didn't ask to be as flat as a 4-year-old boy.

Edited by The Helldragon on May 7, 2009 at 17:45:24.

Uhhh, I don't really know what the point of this is. I like FFVII and all, but I certainly don't need a list of reasons why I do/should.

I'm starting to think you didn't actually read it.

Yeah, I did. I didn't know if you were being serious or not.

I guess I just didn't find it that funny. Very satirical, however.

Well, I tried. Maybe next time, eh?

I probably won't replay it. Still haven't gotten over disc two crapping out on me.

Eh, I guess I've just heard every possible bit of criticism for FFVII there is so many times, I don't even notice it when someone's trying to make a point of it.

Will there be a sequel that DOES have ten reasons? Like "The Top 10 Reasons To Tour Around Final Fantasy X's Spira"?

I dunno what's worse, FF X or FF 7.

...probably X.

That's okay, Hollow, apparently the directors of the games liked the other's game so much, they went and connected the two together into the same timeline. Now, FFX is a prequel to FFVII.

Never played FFX, so probably not.

It was apparently confirmed in an interview published in one of the official guidebooks. I was pretty skeptical myself when I heard it from DS.

FF X easily. FF VII isn't that bad.

FF7 was AMAZING Sephiroth was completely godly and totally let off the air of badassity like none other
i actually didnt find much of this funny but oh well different senses of humor

Well, was I clear enough, at least? Did you understand the jokes I was trying to make? Could I write them a bit more clearly, or did they just come off as confusing?

Your writing is fine.

I think it's just that the whole FFVII, and any other RPG criticizing trend in general, has been done so many times, it's....kind of gotten old.

It's almost too easy to nit-pick at RPGs, even in a humorous way.

At least I think so.

exactly i understood the jokes i just think that FF7 is too easy of a target i mean find something that isnt targeted all the time

...all I ever see of FF7 is endless praise at how badass Cloud/Zack/Sephiottoth/Barrett is, Tifa's huge tits and how it has no plotholes whatsoever and is godly.

I think you two are just fanboys. Arkane is kind of a glaring one with Cloud in his av and all

Also wowwwww FFX is a prequel? I'd believe it, they're both pretty bad

It's kind of ironic. We only seem to see what we can't stand.

FF7 may not be the greatest game around (I actually think FFVI is the best in the series), but I'd say it's stood the test of time for a reason.

But I must definitely agree that most of its' continuing success is mostly out of sheer fanboyism/fangirlism. But it's also wrong to deny its' massive impact on RPG gamers, and the RPG industry alike.

How many game characters out there do you suppose are inspired by the FFVII character formula in some way?

Crazy hair, big weapons, brooding personalities, constant swearing, slutty, metrosexualism, tormented pasts, etc.

It's not to say none of this hasn't been done before. But when 3d games first became the top competitor in the gaming market, and characters were becoming more detailed, FFVII just so happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Maybe this a good enough reason to love/hate FFVII. It's changed the face of RPGs and game characters, for better or worst, based on what you think. Unless you really think that it sucks, regardless of it's placeholder, whenever and wherever it might be/may have been.

I do however, dislike the tendency of repetition and overused plot/character elements that is so very apparent in today's gaming world, across all of today's mainstream titles and genres.

I do look forward to other ideas that aren't identical to Cloud's emo tendencies.

___EDIT___

Farplane = Lifestream? Wtf?



Edited by Arkane on May 31, 2009 at 11:18:40.