Hey, folks. Ever have something happen to you that's too good not to share? Today I had one of those experiences...

So today at lunch, I threw the kid's car seat in the back of the truck, kicked my shoes off, and stretched out in the back seat for a lunch of cheese and crackers, apple sauce, coffee and a Pall Mall Black. Halfway through my food I catch movement out of the corner of my eye, and I look to see a man in the car next to me. He looks to be about 50, maybe 55 and has a forward comb over - you know the one - he has no hair in the front, so he grows it long in the back then sweeps it forward, because no one will notice that. Anyway, he's wrestling with a bag, and I think to myself 'Oh. He's gonna eat him some chips. Cool.' No. Not cool. Because he got it open, then shoved his hand in the bag as unceremoniously as a proctologist who's three days from retirement, then pulls out - in one huge wad - a half pound of shaved deli ham. He then looks up, dangles it over his face, and proceeds to take like twelve bites out of it before chewing. It was like watching a snake eat a family of mice. He worked at it for a few minutes, and he ate it all, but he only had 3 or 4 mouths full. After choking down a half pound of myocardial infarction, he opened and chugged two cans of diet Pepsi, then opened a third and nursed it for a while. This all happened in the span of about eight minutes. I couldn't look away, and as I looked closer, I realized that he had that thin layer of perspiration that only comes when breathing is a chore and eating is a workout. His flushed, moist face skin looked like it would have the texture of bologna, and as I continued to watch Hammy (for that is what I've named him) I thought to myself 'Holy shit, Hammy. You're my favorite lunch meat with a heart beat.' I've resolved to seek out his vehicle and park next to him whenever possible.

Thoughts?

I think you stumbled upon a reptilian alien disguised as a human. You're just lucky it wasn't alive! (The ham, I mean.)