These ones are wierd, but I got them in the Reader\'s Digest.

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?

Ok, my dad told me this one today. It is about the man who loved beans.

A man always ate beans. When he got married, he quit eating them so he wouldn\'t fart all the time. He was on his way home from work and his truck broke down. He had to walk home. On the way, he found a shop, so he figures, \"I\'ll have some beans now, and on the long walk home, I\'ll work it off!\" So he orders 3 super size bean buckets and eats them. He gets home and feels fine. He opens the door and his wife says, \"Here honey, wear this blindfold so you won\'t see my surprise.\" She walks him to the table and sits him down. He can\'t see. He feels like one is coming, and the phone rings. The wife goes to answer it. The man thinks \"Here\'s my chance!\" So he lets one rip while she was gone. It smelled like someone had died in there. He farted several times really loud. Then, the wife comes in and taks the blindfold off. Surrounding him, is 10 guests!

Long, but funny!

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"

\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you\'d just hear slap, slap, jingle.\"

\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other offhand, \"just our medals.\"

Four women go to a phycoligist (sp?). Each women has 1 kid. So the guy tells the first women \"You like candy and sweets, so you named your girl Candy.\" He goes to the second women and says \"You like cash and money, so you named your kid Pennie.\" He turns to the third women and says \"You are greedy and want everything, so you named your kid Greed.\" Then he turns to the fourth women, but before he says anything, the fouth women tells her kid \"Come on Dick, lets go.\"

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out \"Sir, Good Evening, Sir!\"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said \"Good evening soldier, nice night, isn\'t it?\"

Well it wasn\'t a nice night, but the Private wasn\'t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied \"Sir, Yes Sir!\".

The General continued, \"You know there\'s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it\'s really relaxing. Don\'t you agree?\"

The Private didn\'t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded \"Sir, Yes Sir!\"

The General, pointing at the dog, \"This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.\"

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said \"Sir, Yes Sir!\"

The General continued \"I got this dog for my wife.\"

The Private simply said \"Good trade Sir!\"

I\'m running outta jokes here. Heres a blode joke. Why does a blonde smile during a lightning storm?
























Because they think that they are getting there picture took.

\"Airlines running operating systems\"

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don\'t need to know, don\'t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can\'t even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they\'re building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don\'t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don\'t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don\'t go anywhere. But that\'s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

Some very common traits in two drunks
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. \"Why of course,\" comes the reply.

The first man then asks: \"Where are you from?\"

\"I\'m from Ireland,\" replies the second man.

The first man responds: \"You don\'t say, I\'m from Ireland too! Let\'s have another round to Ireland.\"

\"Of course,\" replies the second man.

I\'m curious, the first man then asks: \"Where in Ireland are you from?\"

\"Dublin,\" comes the reply.

\"I can\'t believe it,\" says the first man. \"I\'m from Dublin too! Let\'s have another drink to Dublin.\"

\"Of course,\" replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: \"What school did you go to?\"

\"Saint Mary\'s,\" replies the second man, \"I graduated in \'62.\"

\"This is unbelievable!\", the first man says. \"I went to Saint Mary\'s and I graduated in \'62, too!\"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. \"What\'s been going on?\" he asks the bartender.

\"Nothing much,\" replies the bartender. \"The O\'Kinly twins are drunk again.\"

I can\'t breathe without that

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

\"I need to take that walkman off your head,\" says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

\"You can\'t! I\'ll die!\" retorts the blonde.

\"I can\'t cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!\" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

\"I said you can\'t take it off, or I\'ll die!\"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating \"breath in, breath out, breath in\".

Punishment for Gates

Satan greets him: \"Welcome Mr. Gates, we\'ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You\'ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you\'ve got me in a good mood, I\'ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you\'ll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill\'s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I\'ll take this option.\"

\"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all!\"

\"That\'s what everyone thinks\" snickered Satan.

\"The bottle has a hole in it!\"

\"What about the PC?\"

\"It\'s got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan.

\"And it\'s missing three keys,\"

\"Which three?\"

\"Control, Alt and Delete.\"

Application rejections


Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203\'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

OK heres one about an old guy and a subway:

One day an old man went on a subway to get out of the house.About 5 min. passed and a young teenager got on.He had big feather earings and a big colorful mohawk.He takes a seat close to the old man and for about 2 min. the old man stared and stared at the young man.Finally he noticed and said \"Whats a matter old man didnt you ever do anything wild when you were young?\"The old man said\"Yes.In WW2 I had sex with a parrot and I was wondering if you were my son.\"

I think its pretty funny:D

The Colonel\'s Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

\"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley\'s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.\"

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

\"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley\'s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.\"

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

\"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley\'s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.\"

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

\"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley\'s comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.\"

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

\"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.\"

Air Force One crashes

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President\'s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man\'s tractor.

\"Sir,\" the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

\"Did you see this terrible accident happen?\"

\"Yep. Sure did.\" The man muttered unconcernedly.

\"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?\"

\"Yep.\"

\"Were there any survivors?\" the agent gasped.

\"Nope. They\'s all kilt straight out.\" The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. \"I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.\"

\"The President of the United States is dead?\" The agent gulped in disbelief.

\"Well,\" the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. \"He kept a-saying he wasn\'t ... but you know what a liar he is.\"

How many sheep do I have?

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

\"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?\" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. \"You have 171 sheep,\" said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, \"if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?\" The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog.

What should they say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, \"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, \"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.\"

The second guy says, \"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.\"

The last guy replies, \"I would like to hear them say, \"Look! He\'s moving!\"

Excess billing hours

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, \"I don\'t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\"

St. Peter replied, \"Well, I\'ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\"

Risk of plane bombs

A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.

\"Hey, don\'t worry, it\'s just every 10000th flight that crashes.\"

\"1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!\"

\"Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It\'s much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared.\"

Have incredible dogs

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named \"T-Square\", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named \"Slide Rule\". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog \"Measure\" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, \"What can your dog do?\". The Teamster called his dog whose name was \"Coffee Break\" and said, \"Show the fellows what you can do\". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen\'s Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

i have a feeling that nobody is reading the jokes except for me and just posting.....

I read them! I just can\'t think of anything to say about them!

I dont know why but i find that joke so stupid that its actually funny:lol:

Which one?

the one about bombs

If Jonny has 3 appels and bill has 4 apples then howcome they dont shut up and eat.

I don\'t get it.....

He took that from Gamefaqs....

Now that\'s a joke!

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1001, 1 to hold the lightbulb into place and 1000 to pick upt the house and turn it in circles.

My friend asked me If I wanted a frozen bannana. I said no, but I wanted a regular one later so yes.

The devil is giving three men each one wish. The first man wishs that he can have tons of women. The second man wishs for a lot of beer so he can be drunk all the time. The third man wishs for a feild of pot. The devil says he\'ll be back in 5 years to see how they are doing. 5 years passes and the devil comes back to see all the men are crying. He asks the first man why and he says since he did it with so many women he has a lot of illnesses. The devil laughed at him and asked the next man why crying. He says his wife left him because he was a drunk slob. He laughed at him and went to the next man and asked him why he was crying. The last man said \" Gotta light \"