14 May 2007

Denver, Colorado-- In a recent study presented at the annual meeting of the Heart Rhythm Society, one 17 year-old Michigan boy demonstrated that electrical interference from iPods can cause people with pacemakers to suffer malfunctions in their heart and brain when waved about in a special way. Consequently, all 100 of his elderly test subjects died or were put down by the end of the study.

It was discovered that the iPods affected the victi subjects in three different ways: through oversensing, telemetry and inhibititive interference. The boy only got that far before the room got bored and patted the kid on the head for trying to be smart, intending to move onto their main agenda of world domination. The society's members regained interest again when the young man mentioned the mind-controlling abilities of the iPod.

"The first two effects were pretty mild," the boy, named Jay Thaker, said enthusiastically. "The test subjects were able to sustain twenty mintues of increased fribillation of the heart and act like a chook at the same time... Yada yada yada... During the observed telemetry type interference, set off by having the subjects rub the iPod over their wrinkled bodies in a suggestive manner, commands given by the expermienter were obeyed 90% of the time, but only when said in a convincing Big Brother voice... Yada yada... By far the most extreme effect was given during inhibitive interference when the heart began beating to the rhythm of Jingle Bells... yada yada... and subjects began acting like zombies, but with a strong expressed affinity to Apple products. Yada yada yada. After prolonged deprivation from such products, increased fribillation and high blood pressure ensued with strong suggestibility to any given command - I remember once what subject #43 and I got up to... yada, forget I mentioned that... A further forty minutes of sustained adaptive stress response and submission to mind-control later, and most subjects would have fallen into a stroke-induced coma, damaged their liver due to tomato ketchup-poisoning (our bad) or had their head a splode. This only occured in 1.5% of cases. Yada."

The transcriber, at the time till now, is still uncertain as to whether the word "yada" was actually what was said or was a blur of very hard-to-distinguish words.

And despite all the controversies that this new study has brought up, it seems that the general public simply doesn't care. In fact, if anyone had half a brain, even with an iPod on, they'd have known that iPods were evil from the beginning. But in the words of a random guy on the street, "Must listen to iPod, duuuude..."

...I knew it.

I always knew it.

Apple is the devil.

*Hugs CD player in terror*

Would this affect me when I use other Apple products?

*logs off and shuts down MacBook as quickly as possible*

MacBook is only the beginning.

*eyes wide open, not wanting to hear what's next*

Great, now I won't have an alternative to cruddy windows...

Ha ha! I don't even have a pacemaker. Sucks to be you, Apple!

the one 17 year old boy from michigan goes to my school. just felt like throwing that out there... ALL the teacher(and 1/2 the custodians) have that article in thier rooms. you probably dont know this, but my school is huge and there are alot of teachers. also he said he had to show the pacemaker people what an iPod was and how it worked... so I'm going to guess that iPods probably werent taken into consideration as a determining factor for the pacemakers ability to function...

you with your "facts" and knowledge of how stuff "actually happend to occur"... ah well. I just wanted the first part to get out there, but I really didnt think of that off the top of my head that pacemakers came first. too much technology these days.